These last few weeks
Finally have caught up with my readings. Had got a wee bit behind but now am up-to-date.
Still I'm going to have a fairly busy week with labs, tests plus another fieldtrip. Also haven't decided yet whether to go to college ball. I have a feeling that it might be wiser not to go. I wont really know many people, and the ones I do know shall be busy. Also I should really attend my 8am lecture the following day.
*sigh* I've been trying to spend more time with my friends instead of holing myself up in my room but I think I might need more time by myself for a while. At snipergirl's "conception party" I told one of my friends that he was being irritating. Some of my behaviour has been a bit irrational over the past couple of weeks. Looking back and analysing why this is so brings up some interesting answers. It seemed to many people that I was annoyed over recent events but it's more complicated than that. My life has been changing over the past few years but I've never had anyone constant throughout that time. My own attitude towards people, my unwillingness to open up has contributed to this and formed the basis of my loneliness. My own mother accuses me of being "closed". Sure I talk to people and they may think that they understand what's going on but noone ever gets the full story. Everything is hidden away and covered over. Any emotion is swiftly dealt with so as not to cause further discomfort or nuisance. I suppose you could see me as a coldly calculating person, carefully weighing the best course to take to cause the least amount of difficulty to oneself and others. I can't really change how I am because it's so ingrained in my character. I have always been fiercely protective of my privacy and still carefully weigh up what people are told. I've created this extroverted persona to hide the insecurities and fears which I live with daily. I jokingly tell people that I'll end up as the crazy lady with lots of cats. In some ways I could see this happening.
Self contemplation and evaluating is something I haven't done in some time. I feel that it's time for me to shake off a lot of things which have been weighing me down. A fresh start.
I suppose in a way I've already started. I've always been told that college friendships are superficial and quickly crumble. I guess I've been fortunate that the majority of mine have outlasted my move to the outside world. However I have started to meet with people from uni, within my course, who have similar interests to myself. For the first time since I moved to the city I'm meeting people with similar backgrounds to myself. I can discuss things which have no relevance to many of my friends. (That's not to say I'm abandoning any of my friends)
So I guess I probably wont be blogging much for a while due to uni and fieldtrips. I feel more hopeful of having a better semester and indeed a better year. I'm not depressed, but the rose-coloured glasses are gone.
Still I'm going to have a fairly busy week with labs, tests plus another fieldtrip. Also haven't decided yet whether to go to college ball. I have a feeling that it might be wiser not to go. I wont really know many people, and the ones I do know shall be busy. Also I should really attend my 8am lecture the following day.
*sigh* I've been trying to spend more time with my friends instead of holing myself up in my room but I think I might need more time by myself for a while. At snipergirl's "conception party" I told one of my friends that he was being irritating. Some of my behaviour has been a bit irrational over the past couple of weeks. Looking back and analysing why this is so brings up some interesting answers. It seemed to many people that I was annoyed over recent events but it's more complicated than that. My life has been changing over the past few years but I've never had anyone constant throughout that time. My own attitude towards people, my unwillingness to open up has contributed to this and formed the basis of my loneliness. My own mother accuses me of being "closed". Sure I talk to people and they may think that they understand what's going on but noone ever gets the full story. Everything is hidden away and covered over. Any emotion is swiftly dealt with so as not to cause further discomfort or nuisance. I suppose you could see me as a coldly calculating person, carefully weighing the best course to take to cause the least amount of difficulty to oneself and others. I can't really change how I am because it's so ingrained in my character. I have always been fiercely protective of my privacy and still carefully weigh up what people are told. I've created this extroverted persona to hide the insecurities and fears which I live with daily. I jokingly tell people that I'll end up as the crazy lady with lots of cats. In some ways I could see this happening.
Self contemplation and evaluating is something I haven't done in some time. I feel that it's time for me to shake off a lot of things which have been weighing me down. A fresh start.
I suppose in a way I've already started. I've always been told that college friendships are superficial and quickly crumble. I guess I've been fortunate that the majority of mine have outlasted my move to the outside world. However I have started to meet with people from uni, within my course, who have similar interests to myself. For the first time since I moved to the city I'm meeting people with similar backgrounds to myself. I can discuss things which have no relevance to many of my friends. (That's not to say I'm abandoning any of my friends)
So I guess I probably wont be blogging much for a while due to uni and fieldtrips. I feel more hopeful of having a better semester and indeed a better year. I'm not depressed, but the rose-coloured glasses are gone.
posted by Araluena @ 11:40 pm
2 Comments:
At 12:56 am, March 27, 2006,
The Saxman said…
I totally agree with your self-evaluation. Your privacy is important to you. That's not a bad thing, but a balance between that and sharing stuff with others can't hurt.
What I'm grappling with is whether it's okay to have conflict. Sure we're all different people, and there's no use glossing over our differences - the sooner they're out in the open the sooner we can all see where our opinions are different. But perhaps conflict leads to more conflict? If you always take that path, it's possible.
Don't mind me... just thinking. Maybe you should have more arguments.
At 7:06 am, May 08, 2006,
Snipergirl said…
It takes time for all of us. I have my own trust and personal space issues- I need lots of personal space for sure, sometimes to the detriment of my home life. I will tell everyone around me everything about my life, not because I trust them often but because I don't care who knows. I just don't trust them to stick around and be loyal. These things are changing though. I trust a few people a lot and they're like family.
At least you know what you need to change and such!
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